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(no subject)
Sep. 2nd, 2026 02:37 pmI'm just so fucking worthless
(no subject)
Aug. 31st, 2026 09:26 amit would be easier if I didn't second guess every decision. why am I so bad at making choices? why do I always seem to make the wrong choice?
the problem with searching for a job, is that all but about two to three jobs I've ever had have been some variety of horrifically abusive. And the three-ish that weren't ended up all being very temporary things. Applying for jobs, *accepting* jobs, is like forcing myself to stick the mangled remains of my hand back in the bear trap. Again and again and again.
the problem with searching for a job, is that all but about two to three jobs I've ever had have been some variety of horrifically abusive. And the three-ish that weren't ended up all being very temporary things. Applying for jobs, *accepting* jobs, is like forcing myself to stick the mangled remains of my hand back in the bear trap. Again and again and again.
(no subject)
Aug. 21st, 2026 05:47 pmI continue to get pollsters texting me to ask my opinions as a Chicago resident about politics in Chicago.
I do not and have never lived in Chicago.
It is very annoying.
I do not and have never lived in Chicago.
It is very annoying.
(no subject)
Aug. 11th, 2026 01:03 pmblood pressure is slightly lower, averaging around like 110/88 now. adding another medication to lower it further.
job interview, would only be for like, 40 hours a month or less, but it might get me out of the current godawful situation, at least for a while.
applied for a layout design job, we'll see what happens there.
german homework is hard :( I feel like I know less and less every day.
I haven't been able to write anything creative in... probably over a year now. Maybe two years. Not even fanfic. I literally don't have any ideas at all. I feel so empty. I don't know how to get it back.
apparently I didn't post this? or maybe I did? does it matter? I started a few days ago but then never posted it? I can't even remember anymore. I barely remember anything. I don't remember much of CTY, of high school, of college, of my 20s. It feels like I've just been trapped in this beige hell for my entire life.
maybe if UBI and universal healthcare existed, I could actually afford to just not have a job at all for a few months, or even years, and actually recover enough to do creative work again. but that's not the world we live in.
I don't actually want a job. I don't want to do things. I don't want to do anything anymore. I just want to sleep.
job interview, would only be for like, 40 hours a month or less, but it might get me out of the current godawful situation, at least for a while.
applied for a layout design job, we'll see what happens there.
german homework is hard :( I feel like I know less and less every day.
I haven't been able to write anything creative in... probably over a year now. Maybe two years. Not even fanfic. I literally don't have any ideas at all. I feel so empty. I don't know how to get it back.
apparently I didn't post this? or maybe I did? does it matter? I started a few days ago but then never posted it? I can't even remember anymore. I barely remember anything. I don't remember much of CTY, of high school, of college, of my 20s. It feels like I've just been trapped in this beige hell for my entire life.
maybe if UBI and universal healthcare existed, I could actually afford to just not have a job at all for a few months, or even years, and actually recover enough to do creative work again. but that's not the world we live in.
I don't actually want a job. I don't want to do things. I don't want to do anything anymore. I just want to sleep.
(no subject)
Aug. 6th, 2026 12:03 pmblood pressure is slightly lower, averaging around like 110/88 now. adding another medication to lower it further.
job interview, would only be for like, 40 hours a month or less, but it might get me out of the current godawful situation, at least for a while.
applied for a layout design job, we'll see what happens there.
german homework is hard :( I feel like I know less and less every day.
I haven't been able to write anything creative in... probably over a year now. Maybe two years. Not even fanfic. I literally don't have any ideas at all. I feel so empty. I don't know how to get it back.
job interview, would only be for like, 40 hours a month or less, but it might get me out of the current godawful situation, at least for a while.
applied for a layout design job, we'll see what happens there.
german homework is hard :( I feel like I know less and less every day.
I haven't been able to write anything creative in... probably over a year now. Maybe two years. Not even fanfic. I literally don't have any ideas at all. I feel so empty. I don't know how to get it back.
(no subject)
Aug. 2nd, 2026 12:59 pmfour days on Amplodepine and my diastolic BP *still* won't go down. It sits at 94, menacingly. Meanwhile my systolic is like "haha what?" and is cheerfully at 109.
109/94! That's just weird! The pressure differential between those two numbers is very small, especially when normal blood pressure should have about 40 points of difference between the numbers. Mine is FIFTEEN. What is with that!? When I exercise it goes up to 140/100, presumably because my diastolic is just so goddamn high that the systolic HAS to go up in order for there to be enough pressure differential or something.
Something is direly wrong with me. But I'm going to lose my health insurance soon -- either because I finally get out of my horrible abusive job, or because I run out of disability leave (and also leave my horrible abusive job)
I need to do job applications but by god I do not want to.
Really, given the choice *right now*, I would like to just *not have a job* and not think about that kind of thing for a few... years, really. Give me UBI so I can sit around and do absolutely nothing until I know how to be a person again. Or until I just drop dead, I guess, which is probably more likely.
109/94! That's just weird! The pressure differential between those two numbers is very small, especially when normal blood pressure should have about 40 points of difference between the numbers. Mine is FIFTEEN. What is with that!? When I exercise it goes up to 140/100, presumably because my diastolic is just so goddamn high that the systolic HAS to go up in order for there to be enough pressure differential or something.
Something is direly wrong with me. But I'm going to lose my health insurance soon -- either because I finally get out of my horrible abusive job, or because I run out of disability leave (and also leave my horrible abusive job)
I need to do job applications but by god I do not want to.
Really, given the choice *right now*, I would like to just *not have a job* and not think about that kind of thing for a few... years, really. Give me UBI so I can sit around and do absolutely nothing until I know how to be a person again. Or until I just drop dead, I guess, which is probably more likely.
(no subject)
Aug. 1st, 2026 11:34 amWhoops, I finished an entire novella before I started my homework :\
And I still have so many job applications / job searching to do
And I actually *have* started the extremely ill advised process of looking into getting an MA in Graphic Design (I certainly can't afford this, oops, I only recently paid off my *last* debt from getting an MFA in writing, fat lot of good it did me)
And I still have so many job applications / job searching to do
And I actually *have* started the extremely ill advised process of looking into getting an MA in Graphic Design (I certainly can't afford this, oops, I only recently paid off my *last* debt from getting an MFA in writing, fat lot of good it did me)
just procrastinating on German homework. doing this, instead of playing M:tGA or FL. I guess FL is the one thing that's still the same, right?
All these icons. I sure was obsessed about Starscream for a while. I barely remember anything about that now. My last few entries were from Bioshock Infinite, when I worked for [redacted].
Everything I've done since then has been a mistake.
Ich bin schade. Ich bin müde.
All jobs seem pointless. Either I don't have the skills or talent, I don't have the temperament or will, or everything is so boring and awful that why would I want to.
And then here I am playing M:tGA again and I reallly shouldn't be. it just depresses me. I need another time waster, I don't know. or I don't. I need to actually do the work.
Everyone said, do well in school, or well enough, and you'll get A Job that You Like and be fine. None of that's true.
Should I go back to school for graphic design? I don't know. I think if I go to school in Germany for that, it'd have to be Berlin. Actually looking at things, all the universities that offer graphic designs in English are private schools which apparently have poor reputations :\ smh. I could go to Rhode Island or some shit. I don't know.
All these icons. I sure was obsessed about Starscream for a while. I barely remember anything about that now. My last few entries were from Bioshock Infinite, when I worked for [redacted].
Everything I've done since then has been a mistake.
Ich bin schade. Ich bin müde.
All jobs seem pointless. Either I don't have the skills or talent, I don't have the temperament or will, or everything is so boring and awful that why would I want to.
And then here I am playing M:tGA again and I reallly shouldn't be. it just depresses me. I need another time waster, I don't know. or I don't. I need to actually do the work.
Everyone said, do well in school, or well enough, and you'll get A Job that You Like and be fine. None of that's true.
Should I go back to school for graphic design? I don't know. I think if I go to school in Germany for that, it'd have to be Berlin. Actually looking at things, all the universities that offer graphic designs in English are private schools which apparently have poor reputations :\ smh. I could go to Rhode Island or some shit. I don't know.
Dusting this thing off again. Partially because I'm tired of posting to sixteen different Discords when something is awful in my life, I can't post to Facebook anymore without someone barging in giving me advice about where to find psychiatric help (I'm getting psychiatric help, thanks), if I post to Tumblr I'll never be able to find the entry again...
All that jazz.
I doubt anyone I used to know is still even using DW, so it's likely no one I know will see this. If I don't know you, hi, I'm depressed, and this blog will be vagueposting about how awful shit in my life currently is, because I need somewhere to vent and I don't just want to do it into a word document but I also don't want to do it where everyone's going to worry. A paradox, isn't it? To be seen and unseen.
It's possible Thee Algorythm has linked this account to my real life enough that someone will find it, but who even knows anymore. I certainly don't. If you're a potential employer, why the hell are you digging into my life like this? If you're a potential employer, know that if I had my way I wouldn't work for money ever again, I'd go volunteer to do weird shit or maybe do nothing, I don't know.
This is mostly... rambling. ranting. procrastinating on German homework. do I even want to move to Germany after all? I love my Moonshadow a great deal, but he is married, there's no way of getting that legal status, and he's my only *close* friend in the country (there's some acquaintances I have on Tumblr but they're distant). And what would I do? What job would I even get? I'm a useless washout. I have two college degrees and both have proven worthless.
The problem is I don't know what I want to do. Or what I could stand to do, I suppose. Both. Yeah, both.
First heavy treatment for depression (TMS) didn't work. Can't do the second heavy treatment because my BP is too high. I should exercise more but I hate going to the gym and exercise takes so much time. I want to move out of my parents house but where would I even go. Everyone I know has gotten married or otherwise moved on, nobody wants a 40 y o single weirdo as a roommate.
All that jazz.
I doubt anyone I used to know is still even using DW, so it's likely no one I know will see this. If I don't know you, hi, I'm depressed, and this blog will be vagueposting about how awful shit in my life currently is, because I need somewhere to vent and I don't just want to do it into a word document but I also don't want to do it where everyone's going to worry. A paradox, isn't it? To be seen and unseen.
It's possible Thee Algorythm has linked this account to my real life enough that someone will find it, but who even knows anymore. I certainly don't. If you're a potential employer, why the hell are you digging into my life like this? If you're a potential employer, know that if I had my way I wouldn't work for money ever again, I'd go volunteer to do weird shit or maybe do nothing, I don't know.
This is mostly... rambling. ranting. procrastinating on German homework. do I even want to move to Germany after all? I love my Moonshadow a great deal, but he is married, there's no way of getting that legal status, and he's my only *close* friend in the country (there's some acquaintances I have on Tumblr but they're distant). And what would I do? What job would I even get? I'm a useless washout. I have two college degrees and both have proven worthless.
The problem is I don't know what I want to do. Or what I could stand to do, I suppose. Both. Yeah, both.
First heavy treatment for depression (TMS) didn't work. Can't do the second heavy treatment because my BP is too high. I should exercise more but I hate going to the gym and exercise takes so much time. I want to move out of my parents house but where would I even go. Everyone I know has gotten married or otherwise moved on, nobody wants a 40 y o single weirdo as a roommate.
BIOSHOCK INFINITE: DAY ONE
Mar. 26th, 2013 11:00 pmLast checkpoint: Soldier's Field. We just came off the gondola from Battleship Beach.
First, nonspoiler: My biggest annoyance with this game is the fucking checkpoints. I hate it in other games, I hate it here. I hate playing to get to the save point. I just want to be able to turn off the game whenever I like, ok?
( spoilers follow )
First, nonspoiler: My biggest annoyance with this game is the fucking checkpoints. I hate it in other games, I hate it here. I hate playing to get to the save point. I just want to be able to turn off the game whenever I like, ok?
( spoilers follow )
I'm going to be reviving this journal for the purpose of posting essays/thoughts on the game as I play it. I will be putting it under a cut, so if you're on a spoiler blackout, do not fear!
Let me see if I remember how to MAKE a cut first?
( Here's some text! )
Woo
Anyway I'm going to be linking here from Tumblr. Spoilers will be under the cut.
Let me see if I remember how to MAKE a cut first?
( Here's some text! )
Woo
Anyway I'm going to be linking here from Tumblr. Spoilers will be under the cut.
(no subject)
Nov. 7th, 2012 06:06 pmDear Livejournal;
Check yourself before you wreck yourself, seriously. I've gotten thirty spam comments in the past two days, and sometimes even disabling all comments on the journal doesn't stop the bots.
Seriously, I have set multiple journals to "nobody can comment" and THEY ARE STILL COMMENTING
what are you DOING LJ?
Check yourself before you wreck yourself, seriously. I've gotten thirty spam comments in the past two days, and sometimes even disabling all comments on the journal doesn't stop the bots.
Seriously, I have set multiple journals to "nobody can comment" and THEY ARE STILL COMMENTING
what are you DOING LJ?
(no subject)
Sep. 13th, 2012 04:09 pmPosting it here, too
90% possibility a gift from my mother was stolen right off my doorstep. Of all the things we've had delivered--desktop computers, iPad cases, printers, an electric piano once--the first thing that gets stolen is a small gift from my mother that wasn't even very valuable.
It's POSSIBLE that it was delivered to the wrong address but reported as having gone to the right place (I checked with the post office, they said it was delivered just fine), but...
As for someone else in the apartment building having accidentally picked it up? That's REALLY unlikely. Packages routinely get left in the foyer of this building for weeks on end with no one touching them... and that makes this all the weirder. Why the hell would you steal an ordinary white USPS Priority Mail box, hand addressed, over, say, an Amazon.com package?
I've thus far put up signs in the foyer of the building and called it in to the police, but it's probably lost forever. I can't even.
90% possibility a gift from my mother was stolen right off my doorstep. Of all the things we've had delivered--desktop computers, iPad cases, printers, an electric piano once--the first thing that gets stolen is a small gift from my mother that wasn't even very valuable.
It's POSSIBLE that it was delivered to the wrong address but reported as having gone to the right place (I checked with the post office, they said it was delivered just fine), but...
As for someone else in the apartment building having accidentally picked it up? That's REALLY unlikely. Packages routinely get left in the foyer of this building for weeks on end with no one touching them... and that makes this all the weirder. Why the hell would you steal an ordinary white USPS Priority Mail box, hand addressed, over, say, an Amazon.com package?
I've thus far put up signs in the foyer of the building and called it in to the police, but it's probably lost forever. I can't even.
So I started playing a DnD game (specifically a streamlined hybrid variant of ADnD called Labyrinth Lord, I think) on Google Plus as well, and while I knew I missed the game, I hadn't realized just how MUCH I missed it. Sunday morning I started playing, and the setting is ridiculous and the people are ridiculous and we barely rolled any dice but my god I had so much fun.
I want mooooore. this is gonna be a problem.
I want mooooore. this is gonna be a problem.
(no subject)
Aug. 4th, 2012 11:47 amthis esp goes out to my bros in Shard of my Soul
two hours of just
waves
(no subject)
Aug. 3rd, 2012 12:03 amI keep asking around, but my usual social networks have been unhelpful. SO...
I want ocean inspiration people. I need (free, because broke) sources of ambient ocean sounds that I can hear on loop. Cute videos of sea animals. Not so cute videos of sea animals (SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARKS)
I want ocean inspiration people. I need (free, because broke) sources of ambient ocean sounds that I can hear on loop. Cute videos of sea animals. Not so cute videos of sea animals (SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARKS)
Leofric Chevalier for Shard of my Soul
Aug. 1st, 2012 06:16 pmCranky former fishman cleric with A DESTINY?
LET'S GO
(posting for Bitsy's reference. Don't have spells picked yet but HEY CLERIC so I basically KNOW ALL THE SPELLS ANYWAY)
( THIS IS LONG )
LET'S GO
(posting for Bitsy's reference. Don't have spells picked yet but HEY CLERIC so I basically KNOW ALL THE SPELLS ANYWAY)
( THIS IS LONG )
(no subject)
Aug. 1st, 2012 03:22 pmThe one problem with this Shard of my Soul DnD game I'm playing is that it's making me miss the ocean like... a lot.
The irony of my life in Boston is that I live within very easy public transit distance of the water, but I have very little free time, and most of my friends aren't into outdoorsy things, and it costs money to get out to the outlying islands. Not to mention how COLD it is! It's really dreadful to swim in Massachusetts waters, they're freezing.
But I miss swimming, I miss pretending to be a mermaid (hurrr MY FAVORITE DISNEY PRINCESS WAS ARIEL, SHUT UP) and just hanging out by the water... I miss seafood (again, irony: Because I'm too poor to eat out like, ever, I never get to have seafood anymore...)
Wish I knew someone with a boat, so we could go sailing.
The irony of my life in Boston is that I live within very easy public transit distance of the water, but I have very little free time, and most of my friends aren't into outdoorsy things, and it costs money to get out to the outlying islands. Not to mention how COLD it is! It's really dreadful to swim in Massachusetts waters, they're freezing.
But I miss swimming, I miss pretending to be a mermaid (hurrr MY FAVORITE DISNEY PRINCESS WAS ARIEL, SHUT UP) and just hanging out by the water... I miss seafood (again, irony: Because I'm too poor to eat out like, ever, I never get to have seafood anymore...)
Wish I knew someone with a boat, so we could go sailing.
(no subject)
Jul. 29th, 2012 12:42 pmI'm HIDEOUSLY EXCITED about the ocean campaign with Arella and can't wait to get started
mostly because fishpeople
love fishpeople
that said though my character won't get along with ANYONE haha. He likes sharks, and is very, VERY distrustful of Aventi, for a number of reasons. Oops...
mostly because fishpeople
love fishpeople
that said though my character won't get along with ANYONE haha. He likes sharks, and is very, VERY distrustful of Aventi, for a number of reasons. Oops...
